Funny Poems | meretricktheworm

Funny Poems

A Penny for your Thoughts

My grandpa has this thing he does; he’s done it now for years.

He shoves a penny in his ear, then says it disappears.
He claims that this is magical, that I should be amazed,
I lie and look ecstatic, even though I think he’s crazed.

I think he might have tossed or lost his marbles to old age,
Or in his book, he may have over-galvanized each page.
But nonetheless, yes, I digress, I love him that I do,
for each and every thing he does – I’ll share a few with you:

Every single morning when the birds all sing a chorus,
he would stomp around the house impersonating stegosaurus.
And then again in evening when the bugs start to kerfuffle,
He pretends that he’s a dancer and he does the Cupid Shuffle.

On Mondays he would desiccate his sweatshirt and his shorts,
‘Cause every Sunday evening, he would play all my Wii sports.
“I get a little sweaty from the exercise,” he’d say.
“And so my clothes need drying from this rather busy day.”

On Thursdays he would clean the cultch and clutter off the yard,
From Wednesday when he’d play all day with Butch – our Saint Bernard.
‘Cause Butch was rather reckless when he’d run and chase and chew,
But not as bad as Grandpa, who would do all those things too.

On Friday, he would argue with three squirrels in our tree,
He claimed the nuts were his but they would rudely disagree
So argumentative, they’d give him cheek and then talk smack,
And then they’d throw the nuts at him… my grandpa threw them back.

Come Saturday, today’s the day, he makes things disappear,
It’s time to let him know, I know he sticks them in his ear.
However, after telling him, I’m not sure that he heard.
From all the pennies in his ears his hearing might be slurred

The Animal Jamboree

The flamingo danced Fandango as the dingo did the Tango,
while a Mambo dancing monkey munched upon a juicy mango.

The toucan does the Can Can and the bunny, Bunny Hops,
as the raccoon does the Rumba and the bullfrog belly flops.

The zebra does the Zumba and the tiger does the Twist,
while the walrus does the Waltz, (proclaiming he could not resist).

The snakes all Shake and Shimmy while the rhinos Rock and Roll,
as the lizards do the Limbo underneath a Limbo pole.

The jitterbugs, they Jitter while the rain goes pitter pat,
’cause the reindeers, they were Rain Dancing, a rat-a-tat-a-tat.

The Electric Sliding eel met the Salsa dancing shark
and they kissed under the moonlight, (it’s a good thing it was dark).

The foxes do a Foxtrot and the hippos Harlem Shake,
as the fish all form a Congo line beneath a frozen lake.

The bear, he Boogie Woogied, and the spider did the Swing,
while the hawk went Hokey Pokey, (but no hands, he used a wing).

The cows cause a kerfuffle when they tap dance every day,
which leads to Cupid Shuffling and cow pies in the hay.

I, my friends, intend to be a legend on the floor,
as I’ve made myself a dance that no one’s ever danced before.

My dance is called the Tootsie Wootsie Tootie Bootie Shake,
(And it’s actually quite helpful if you want to stay awake).

You start by tootsie wootsying, and then my favorite part’s
when you shake your tootie bootie and your tootie bootie farts!

A Squirrel of a "Tail"

Two squirrels were having a fight,

for the rights to the very last bite,
of a triple white fudge,
double scoop, extra sludge,
almond amaretto delight.

They argued and bickered and fought,

which triggered a snickering plot,
which started with sprawling,
evolving to brawling
their tails ending up in a knot.

This lead to a slight little worry,

as to what would result when they’d hurry,
in inverse directions,
with newfound connections,
it likely would end in a flurry
of hair to the air,
and a tear to the pair
of their tails all bushy and furry.
These two bitter friends,
with interlocked ends,
deciding against their new merge,
took off in revolt,
a spectacular jolt,
both hoping that they would diverge.
BUT… this bickering pair,
were trapped unaware,
of what would result from their surge…
With tails detached,
a new species hatched,
a very argumentative kind,
They’re awfully rare,
this tailless pair,
and extremely unlikely to find,
Believe me, they’re clever,
they’ll hide out forever,
…and you’ll never catch them from behind!

Gel Silica

My mom said not to eat it, but I ate it anyway.
That little gel-filled packet that you’re supposed to throw away.
She says it’s used as desiccant to keep the dried fruit dry,
And that if I ingested it, I’d likely lose an eye.
She says that I’ll grow lumps and bumps across my shiny skin,
A zit will sprout upon my snout, a beard upon my chin.
Two lips will grow out of my toes, a nose out of my rear,
And all at once, into the air, my hair will disappear!
So “I” told her, I’d much prefer, my fruit be served as wet,
and eating up that gel packet’s not something I’ll regret.
For now that I have eaten it, the fruit will thrive and grow;
who cares if I lose all my hair, grow lips upon my toe,
or have to smell my underwear each second of the day,
and beards are awesome, lumps are fine, and zits will go away!
But don’t tell her, I know for sure her lies are tongue in cheek,
For I ate four of them before, and that was just last week!

In Need of a Repairman

I woke up this morning and walked down the stairs,
And noticed a few things are needing repairs.
The living room sofa is bent out of shape
The dining room table is asking for tape.
The door on the heater is coming undone
The fridge and the freezer both struggle to run.
The washer and dryer are both on the fritz,
The stove and the fryer are calling it quits.
I think that the sink may have sprayed its last spray,
And the flush full of rust isn’t working today.
So I shut both my eyes and pretend that I’m dreaming,
I rationalize while I start into scheming
I could take out tools and fix it alone,
Or contact a plumber and pick up the phone.
I’d wake up my husband; yes that’s what I’d do,
But unlucky for me, I think he’s broken too!

The Itch

On a Saturday or Monday, I can’t remember which,

I walked through poison ivy, and now all I do is itch.
And when I itched my ankles, I must have touched my knees,
‘Cause now and then it feels as though my knees developed fleas.
Which seemed to make their way up to the middle of my tummy,
And now when I am itching, I look like a real dummy.
‘Cause now somehow the itch has reached the inside of my nose,
And when the itchin’s done in there, I move on to my toes.
If you decided, while reading this, to have a bite to eat,
I’m sure you’ll stop when you find out I’ve boogers in my feet.
And before I think of having any sympathy for you,
Send me please, some itching cream, 2 gallons of it will do.

Clean out of Reason

My mother just told me my room is a mess,
Implying that maybe I’d clean it, I guess.
I say it’s okay and that she shouldn’t stew,
I’ll clean it today, yes, that’s what I’ll do!

But as soon as she leaves, I hop on my chair,
I roll up my sleeves; at the TV I stare.
I grab the controls to my fantasy game,
Completing the goals, I find fantasy fame.

My make-believe house is running quite fine,
My make-believe spouse has a knack for design.
In the game my room's clean, and it’s easy, you see,
I hit blue and green, then it cleans it for me!

So, I rationalize my room’s awful mess,
As I look the room over for buttons to press!
But it could be, just might be, yes, probably be.
That my room will have to be cleaned up by me!

Mothers Cooking

I said “scramble my eggs,” but she made them over-easy.
I said please hold the cheese, but she made it extra cheesy.
I said that she can’t cook, so what good is she to me?

So she locked me in my room, and she made me eat the key..

Say it like you mean it.

According to my mother, “I’m off to bake a chocolate cake.”
According to my brother, “I’m off to skip rocks in the lake.”
According to my father, “It’s time to lose some weight.”
According to my grandpa, “It's time to drop wolf bait.”
According to my grandma, “Would you excuse me please?”
According to my baby sis, “I need to squeeze some cheese!”
But for me, you see, these euphemisms don’t make any sense,
So I just say, “IT’S TIME TO POOP!” but that’s just my two cents.